The Abused Man
This book evolved from conversations with many mature single men, who would tell me in one way or another how their sensitivity or kindness was mistaken for weakness by others.
A kind and sensitive man isn’t necessarily weak. Love is the highest attribute. Often we mistake alpha aggressive behavior as strength, when it may actually be that this person, the one who does the bullying, has a mental issue.
This book brings awareness to the hidden mental illnesses displayed by the actions of people in our everyday life. Most of us don’t see the signs and hopefully this book will help. Included is a lexicon of the most prevalent mental illnesses.
All men and women need to support each other in breaking their silence about sexual harassment and assault.
Women aren’t alone in this: men have also been sexual harassed and assaulted. In my life, in most of our lives, Mental and Emotional Abuse has been a prevalent, pervasive, and easily dismissed form of harassment – because most of it is condoned by society, and it often begins at birth.
The parents ignore a baby’s cries, misbehavior of infants and small children is met with spankings and yelling, frustration or anger. Bullying in elementary school is common, while parents and teachers with contrive sets of standards pressure teens and young adults to excel in academics and sports, sometimes to the point of suicide, in order to grow up to live a “normal” life. Relationships and social encounters often fail since we don’t really know how to treat one another. The more sensitive people end up with broken hearts and damaged self-esteem and self-worth. Racial, gender, sexual choice, political or religious prejudices, reprimands at work, and so on, hurt us, and we often take on an ever-hardening shield of armor for protection. The most loving and sensitive souls, those of us who wear our heart on our sleeve, often stand directly in the abusers’ line of fire.
Let’s be in praise of the human Spirit; in our power to change a pattern of abuse, to create the confident life we’ve always wanted: a life of happiness, great health, and the energetic motivation to make our dreams come true, without buying into the “norm,” or being the continuing target practice for Abusers telling us we’re failures, not worthy or good enough, that we’re bad, wrong or less than.
The opposite of you being abused, is you being loved for who you are, without the outside pressure to be anyone else other than YOU. When we know how to love ourselves fully, when we are confident with why we are here on earth, the natural response to anyone forcing you in any way to submit to their “authority” would be WTF? “NO!”
This book was written by a kind and gentle sensitive man who recovered from what he took on as abuse. He is now grateful and is ready to help You to own Your power, to heal whatever it is inside of you that has been violated and abused, in order for you to advance into the higher realms of Love.
FORMS OF ABUSE
There are two forms of abuse: The Abused and the Abuser. In this book we will explore the many types of Abusers, the person who in one way or another is abusing someone else, or the way we self-abuse.
This is Book One of a three book series on Healing. Before we can truly love ourselves and love others, we need to address “core issues;” the burdens of programming and pain that are unnaturally implanted in our minds and emotions. When we are a baby and child, even a teen or adult, we don’t have a clue that we’re flypaper. All the love given to us sticks, as well as all the bullshit crap.
The bullshit crap is Abuse, plain and simple. If we use this bull-shit crap to beat ourselves up, this is self-abuse.
When I talk to people about Abuse, many are unfamiliar with the different terms. I decided that I couldn’t use the word “gas lighter” if you the listener, or you the reader, didn’t know what that meant. The book I was going to write about Abuse began to change from stories of abuse into a Reference Guide of the Terms of Abuse – with illustration stories.
The words which will appear throughout, such as narcissist, spiritual bypassing or gaslighting, are all listed in the Table of Contents, and then illustrated in the following chapters.
The journey to abuse recovery always begins with awareness. No doubt this is a very crazy world to figure out. Awareness is subjective, since we each have a personal background, beliefs, experiences . . . and yet in all situations it’s possible to look up, impartially evaluate, and become more realistically enlightened.
You raise up your head
And you ask, “Is this where it is?”
And somebody points to you and says
And you say, “What’s mine?”
And somebody else says, “Where what is?”
And you say, “Oh my God
Am I here all alone? “
But something is happening here
But you don’t know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
It may be time to find out what’s really going on, Mr. Jones.
Once we acknowledge that something isn’t right in our life, that maybe it’s really never been right, that this “something is happening here, but I don’t know what it is,” doesn’t seem normal, healthy, wholesome or good, it may be time for a change.
Continuing to beat yourself up, to be beat up, is Self-Abusive. Once you become aware that abuse is unnatural, that something is happening and you DO know what it is, then you are no longer the victim. You’re aware of what’s going on. If you continue in your abuse drama, you will be the enabler of the abuser, possibly yourself, rationalizing its value in your life, and therefore a self-abuser.
So, if you continue in this negative direction “with awareness,” it will be even worse than when you were blind to it. Guilt enters. You’ll be like a drunk beating herself up every time she picks up the bottle, because she knows better, but is too weak to stop.
Being controlled by someone or something just doesn’t feel good and is no way to live one’s life. Anyone who is addicted to one thing or another and knows it, and doesn’t seek help, or help themselves to recover, is living with a Death Urge. It’s more important to hurt yourself, than heal yourself. This book is about flipping that over – to be inspired to have a healthy vibrant life with a Healing Life Urge. Wanting to kick up your heals and embrace each day of life, is where the fun begins.
Don’t worry . . . we’re all a bit self-abusive. We know better about a lot of things which aren’t good for us, yet still indulge. That’s normal. The point is whether it controls your life. I like red wine and coffee to start my day. Coffee to start my day and wine to end it. But I’ll go a week without coffee or a month without wine to check in. I can be happy without them in my life. But if I couldn’t miss one night of a bottle of wine, I would have an addiction, which is self-abuse. Being hell-bent on killing yourself the faster the better., is a sad way to live a life. Feeling guilty about it sucks big time.
You are reading this book because you want to be healthy, to love yourself, to give love and be loved in return. This is difficult to accomplished when someone is abusing you, if you’re abusive to others, or you’re abusing yourself: all of which are sad ways to be living your life. If one of these is true for you, and your life situations don’t feel like love, then we think it’s time to turn your life around.
Talking about being Abused
In this book we will begin to identify the abuse and abuser. Perhaps you never considered that your boss is psychologically abusing you because she’s a psychopath. You should know what is considered psychological abuse, and how the abuser operates. This is the awareness you’ll need on your way to recovery, to distance yourself from the Abuser, and finally have the freedom you deserve.
I started off wanting to write stories of how I was mentally or psychologically abused while growing up, and throughout my life how as a man I too felt abused. I soon found myself lost in defining the terms I was writing about, such as “gaslighting” and “the silent treatment.” I emailed an intelligent friend who had never heard these terms before and had no idea what I was talking about. That’s when I realized that once you, the reader, can label the abuse, identify the abuser who fits the profile, then you can begin to do something about it, take whatever steps are necessary to stop it.
Recently, while writing this book, a genius level doctor came into my life. I was initially excited that this man could become a member of our Zen Healing Center team. After several long personal discussions and many “making me wrong” emails I realized the man was abusing me. I then listed the ways how and did my research. I could plainly see he fit the profile of a classic Sociopath. I ended our relationship.
Going back to Self-Abuse, now that I was aware that I was in an abusive relationship, if I hadn’t ended the relationship I would from then on be setting myself up to be abused, which becomes self-abusive.
NARCISSIST = is someone with a personality disorder in which they have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. They stand behind a mask of extreme confidence but possess a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school, or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration, they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy.
The following was written by HG Tudor, an Extreme High Range Narcissist who offers insight and explains the behaviors of a Narcissist. He was forced to write about it because of his psychotherapy. It will help us gain more understanding about this ailment.
“My kind savage your heart.
We pollute your mind.
We ravage your soul.
“One of the all-pervasive elements of your entanglement with us (the narcissist) is just how unbelievable it all is. This operates in two ways. You find it unbelievable at the time and you find it unbelievable afterwards, although often in a different way. This creates confusion, bewilderment, emotional overload, and paralysis which are as you are now aware, are key components of exerting control over you. This unbelievable behavior is found at every stage of your entanglement.