My father, Bill Allison, at around age 85

 Highway Shaman Dairy

for September 7, 2020

My Osho Zen Tarot card for today is NO-THINGNESS. I know nothing, which leads to what I have to say today. I’m writing this while “in the gap.”

“Being ‘in the gap’ can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might be ahead. But it was just this of potential that existed before the universe was created. All you can do now is relax into the nothingness . . . fall into this silence between the words . . . watch their gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.”

For the past week I’ve been experiencing a loss of my life force energy. I need to sleep more, nine or ten hours at night and take several naps during the day. They say the whole world is shifting energetically, and as an empath this may be what I’m feeling and responding to. I don’t know,

It feels as if I’m stuck in the middle of an existential crisis. I’ve spent my life behaving a certain way, following a rule book of undefined, possibly misguided, principals. These principals could be seen as “liberal,” the allowance to accept and explore all facets of human existence and possibilities, leading to the rejection of rules and laws and policing forces. Suddenly all of that has become a freight train smashing into a brick wall. For me and many others. The allowance has gotten out of control; not for me, but for the liberal left. To me all that allowance suddenly seems like “frat boy” mentality, which I have grown up from. I have become conservative. I reject random rioting and rebellion.

I used to consider being conservative a bad thing, a restriction of the ability to challenge life and rules; the surrender to a sort of acceptance mentality. Now I see it as the difference between allowing a child free range to have temper tantrums, behave or not, or giving a child a strong structural environment, with stability and tough love.

Last year I had sessions with a woman Psychotherapist. We talked about my father and how he raised me. He was a tough authoritarian ruler; “Do as I say or go to your room.” The following is how I judged my father; all as negatives:

1. He was a closeted damaged unloving man,
2. An Army Colonel, a college graduate in Engineering,
3. A Catholic,
4. A Republican,
5. A career worker,
6. A demanding husband for what turned out to be 65 years, and what I judged to be a very unloving person; a man without emotion. He never came close to telling me that he cared for me or loved me. My mother once told me, “He never tells me that he loves me either.”
7. He was concerned with accumulating and holding on to wealth.

It ended up that I lived a “contrary life” in opposition to my father. I was always open to discuss my shortcomings; the ways I was damaged, with anyone who would listen. I was a draft dodger; anti-military and anti-war; would never be a soldier. I quit the Catholic Church at eighteen, and explored all the religions of the world, including the occult. I quit college a semester before graduation. I would never be a Republican or vote for one. I was a devoted Liberal, but chose to be non-political. I never liked or voted for the Bushes, Clintons or Obamas. I never had a career, choosing various short term professions and mostly survived as an artist. I was a weak husband of seven years until 32, and single for the rest of my adult life. I have been very kind and loving to my sons and everyone I know, and can easily say “I love you.”  I have struggled my whole life with money, always living a frugal life.

Gwenn, the Psychotherapist, asked me to look at my “contrary to my father” behavior; why I reacted the way I did, and how maybe this behavior never served my best interests. Explore each one . . .

1. Did it serve my best interest with men, but more so with woman, to continually expose my shortcomings and mental conflicts; to be so blatantly transparent? The answer is “No.” It gave people an easy excuse to reject or abandon me.  Today: I’m way more selective with who I confide in.  Have I become – More or less like my father? More so.

2. Was it in my best interest to spend four years dodging the draft; to reject serving my country? I’m still not sure. I most likely would have been in a non-combative sector, as a clerk or aide, and learned skills that I could have used for the rest of my life. I could have gotten GI benefits to finish college and have a degree. Today: I would have joined the army and used my power to find the correct job for me. I support the US Military. Have I become – More or less like my father? More so.

3. Was it in my best interest to reject the Catholic Church? My mother, very devout, was hoping, prayed, that of her five sons, I would be her Priest. But I wanted to be a better father than my father, so I needed to go the marriage route. I don’t regret studying the religions of the world. I still find the hierarchy of the Catholic Church to be corrupt, but am now moving closer to Christianity and the love of God.  I could be a priest today. Today: If I were to find the right woman partner, I would be a Catholic again. Have I become – More or less like my father? More so.

4. Was it in my best interest to reject the Republican Party? I would say yes. My investigative research and studied wisdom led me to reject both parties. I think by the nature of what someone needs to do to obtain a seat in a political party, continued compromises need to be made and the level of corruption raises with the rank. I always saw the Bushes and Clinton as being extremely corrupt, as well as Barack Obama. They all sold their souls to the “powers” that controlled them. My father would have been a Trump supporter, mostly because he was a devout Republican. I am still not a Republican, but Trump isn’t really a Republican either, and definitely not as a career politician. He didn’t rise up the ranks with years of compromises and the selling of his soul. He’s not doing his job for the money, but for his love of country and the betterment of all the people. I am most impressed with his work to stop sex slave trafficking, pedophilia and the very dark Deep State underground, the Satanic elite. I’ve been waiting for years for some strong person to show up to oppose the evil New World Order. This is what Trump is doing. Today: I would vote Republican to keep Trump in office to take down the Deep State. I think he is being guided by a very wise council, with Qanon. More or less like my father? More so.

5. Was it in my best interest to reject having a career? I don’t think so from my current retirement POV. I had chances to have a good 20 year career with the US Postal Service, since I was tenured at 24. Later at 27 I was also tenured by the State of Alaska, and could have easily had a 20 year career; retiring with a pension before age 50. My Social Security payments are low because most of my life I didn’t pay taxes. Today: I would have found a good career job with the State of Alaska, for twenty years, did art in my spare time, and then retire to a second career as an artist. By this time I would have spent 25 years as an artist, writer. Have I become – More or less like my father? More so.

6. Would it have been in my best interest to either save my marriage or learn from my mistakes and found another wife? Yes. I miss not having a companion, someone to share my life with. I have been too judgmental of myself and others, too unwilling to compromise, and that has led to my loneliness and aloneness. Today: I would have found a career, the State of Alaska, and then, focused on finding a good wife, and being a good husband, devoted to her and our children. If I had done it correctly, I would have been like my other brothers, now married for 45 years. Have I become – More or less like my father? More so.

7. Would it have been in my best interest to have been concerned with my financial security? Absolutely. I think a main component of this is my rejecting a career. By going from one job to the next, I was never in a position to save money. My life was always a struggle to make ends meet. My stubborn refusal to be a good employee led to my demise. I always have regretted whatever decisions I made which led to my poverty, but somehow trapped myself into repetition. Today: I would have listened and invested wisely. I would have held a steady job for years, like with the State of Alaska. I’m now 73 years old and have an income of $10,000 a year, well below the poverty level, and by hereditary I am still an Allison, a man like my Father and wealthy brothers, a bit of an elitist, who wants to live in a nice home, drive a new car, have quality furnishings, be able to travel and stay in good hotels, to help my children also live good lives. I regret that I didn’t create this reality, and have needed to rationalize my life, accepting less than I deserve. Have I become – More or less like my father? More so.

And so it goes . . .